The Guide to a ColdHearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga
by NinjaPower
Summary: COMPLETED! Ever wondered what all those Hns mean? Want become the white eyed prodigy's friend? Are you his family member wanting to continue living or trying to be his girlfriend? I, Tenten, will be your guide into his mind! RxR
1. Prologue

Naruto- The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Hi,

Welcome to "The Guide to a Cold-Hearted Bastard." I'm Tenten and I'll be your guide to understanding how the mind of a cold-hearted bastard works, specifically Neji Hyuga. If you're trying to understand Sasuke Uchiha…good luck. For I'm a master at Neji Hyuga, not Sasuke Uchiha. If you want to understand Sasuke, ask Sakura.

Now that I've weeded out the Uchiha fangirls, let's get to the point. You're probably reading this to try to understand the actions, or just plain what the Hyuga says. Or you're trying to become his friend or in the girl's case, become his girlfriend/future wife. Well good luck at that. But I, Tenten, solemnly swear to help you, girl or guy or it or transvestite, understand the mind of Neji Hyuga.

We'll be dividing the book into three parts; first for those trying to become his friends, the second on how to get along with him if he's your family member, and lastly, if you're trying to get a date from him.

Now if you're ready, turn the page and don't say I didn't warn you that it is very difficult.


	2. First Impressions

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

- How to Befriend a cold-hearted bastard: First Impressions

This is the most crucial thing in attempting to befriend a cold-hearted bastard. For when they say, first impressions are important, in this case they are the most important. This sets up how you'll be perceived by Neji. Let's show some examples….

Bad Example-

"YES!!!!" a boy said, "I AM YOUR NEW TEAM MATE! LET'S BE THE BEST OF FRIENDS!!!"

If you haven't guessed by now, that was Lee. Now let's point off things that he did wrong.

1) he was screaming. A big no no, when talking or even associating Neji in general. This will put you on the annoying/retarded list.

2) Lee commanded Neji to be best of friends…never command Neji. That will get you injured into the next century.

3) Never say the word "friends" to his face, unless your 100 positive that you're on good terms. Neji doesn't "do" friends…until you're on good terms, you're strictly an acquaintance.

Another Bad Example-

"Hyuga"

"Uchiha"

glare

glare

"Prepare to get your butt kicked"

"You should be watching out for yourself."

For all you psychics out there, this was Sasuke Uchiha. Note: If glaring ever occurs, it is not good symbol. Get out of there PRONTO!!

1) Never threaten Neji. You'll end up in the hospital for a while…about 3 months.

2) If you say to Neji, "You'll get your butt kicked," you'll be getting your butt kicked.

On second thought…there have never been any "good" first impressions with Neji. Want to know how my first meeting with Neji went? Here's how it went.

First day of Academy:

"Are you a panda?" Little ol' me with buns in my hair, being teased by Neji…

"No, are you a girl?" I got a glare in return. Note for those of you writing these down; never call him a girl, or feminine or anything like it.

That was such a deep first meeting…it was like fate was at work. From that day on, Neji would either pick on me or ignore me to death. So for those of you hoping to make a good first impression, Good luck…and if you ever figure out the answer…tell me.

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So...yeah...review please...with sugar on top


	3. How a ColdHearted Bastard Acts

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

How a Cold-Hearted bastard acts

Now that we've covered first impressions, how you act afterwards can still get you into the hospital and I'm going to assume that you're first impression was bad, horrible if you're a fangirl. So now is the time to redeem yourself…or attempt to.

Now to learn how to act around a cold-hearted bastard, you must know how they act. With my expertise, I can tell you.

First and utmost thing, cold-hearted bastard act cold and bastard-like. Guess you couldn't tell from the name, don't worry most idiots can't. Yes, I called you an idiot. Get over or face the wrath of my weapons.

Second, to cold-hearted bastards, pride is everything. They'd sell their mothers to keep their pride (that extreme). For the moment of weakness is exposed, that exposure shall forever be used against them.

Example:

"WHAT!!!! THE Hyuga is afraid of that!?!"

"If you tell anyone, Tenten, you'll regret it for the rest of your nonexistent life."

"Awww, Neji it's alright to have some fears. It's natural."

"Natural to ordinary humans, but I am THE Neji Hyuga, the Hyuga prodigy. So I am not ordinary, I am a semi god."

Fine, so he didn't say the last sentence. If he had said that much at one time, it would have been Armageddon and Lee would be wearing normal clothes…exactly. All he did was give me "the look" which implied the sentence that I so creatively made.

But the point is, any fault of pride would result in becoming slightly cold-hearted bastard, rather than the full-fledged cold-hearted bastard. I know, such a difference isn't it, which leads to the next thing.

Cold-hearted Bastards have to be the best and are highly competitive and egotistic. Unfortunately, Cold-hearted bastards are often geniuses or very gifte, often both. So the best way to get to them is to either raise their egos or to be also a genius, which I highly doubt any of you are. Another thing, they don't care if you're a girl, freak, rat, or a four armed freak, they will beat you to a pummel if they have to.

Last thing, cold-hearted Bastards are quiet and ever rarely speak. So if they speak to you, be happy…unless they said, "Your annoying fangirl, go away." DON'T be proud of that, you stupid girl. In Bastard talk that means, "I will hate you until the day I die and I would never consider liking you or even humanly talking to you unless we were chained together about to be killed by the Atasuki." Interesting how five little words mean so much, the magic of Cold-hearted Bastard talk. So what have we learned today class? Cold-hearted Bastards are quiet, prideful, egotistic, competitive, and half way evil making a poor girl like me train every single day, even on my BIRTHDAY, and I didn't even get a "Happy Birthday!" and…oh, he he he, sorry. But basically you get the point, now go away and attempt to succeed only to fail. Good luck!

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Is it just me or do I sense some grudge from Tenten? Anyways...thanks to everyone that reviewed and keep reviewing please...


	4. How to act like a ColdHearted Bastard

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 4- How to act like a cold-hearted bastard

The saying, "When in Rome, do what the Romans do," very much applies here…where ever Rome is. So not to die a painful and shameful death, learn how cold-hearted bastards act so you won't make stupid mistakes.

1) Use as little words as possible and use lots of "hns"

This will make you sound cool…or like a pure moron being a poser…take your pick.

2) Glare a lot

Before using this in public practice at home in your own mirror, if your mirror cracks you have mastered the "Cold-Bastard Glare." And Yes, your mirror has to break on its on, not by you throwing it on the ground or something at it. Nice try but no kunai.

3) The clothes

This one is self-explantory. Go for the bad boy look or rocker look and girls…I'm assuming you're a boy, and girls will fall for you. Wear dark colors, get a trademark, like Hyuga's are his use of black and white. And a piece of advice…green spandex will NEVER be cool. Not in this century not the next, so give it up.

4) Attitude

Basically, act cold, with no heart, like a bastard. Do the rest yourself. Do I need to explain? You obviously didn't pay attention in the last chapter, go read it again you failure.

5) Get good hair

This is a must, even if you have the glare and words down, the hair is the key to being a cold-hearted bastard. No cool hair, no bastardness…you could say their bastardness comes from their hair. I'm being serious…stop gaping at me. Now go to your stylist.

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As you can see, acting like a coldhearted bastard is harder than it seems...yeah right. Anyways, read and review pretty please with kunais on top. And sorry for the delay...I've been on vacation. and now I''m back.


	5. Conversations

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 5- Conversations

Though this may seem paradoxical, if you don't know what it means, get a dictionary and stop bugging me, but even though cold-hearted bastards don't "talk," you sill have to have conversations. Yes…I just conversations, as in using more than 5 words…

I use conversations very loosely, for they really aren't conversations per say, but their really…macho glaring contest. Fine, since I can't seem to find a word to describe it, I'll let you find a word to name it.

Example: Neji and Sasuke…

"Uchiha"

"Hyuga"

"…" glare

"…" glare

"Hn…" glare

"Hn…" blink

smirk "I win, 65-64"

scowl "You cheated, baka."

Scowl "baka…" glare

Please don't make me go on…really please…anyways, now that you've gotten an example of a "bastard" talk, here are some conversations that you CAN'T under any circumstances talk about, not even when he's drunk under medications, alcohol, and being blackmailed at the same time.

Things not to talk about:

Warm fuzzy feelings

Any insucurites

Losing

In Neji's case, Main branch or anything to do with the clan

Anything girly

About Neji's…er…feminine features and how he could look like a girl

About Neji's personal life

How "cute" or "handsome" he is

This list could last forever, how about I give you the list of what you CAN talk about:

Things to talk about:

Training

Weapons

How great the "Great Hyuga" is

Training

Weapons

Jutsus

Weapons

Training

I hope you get the gist of it now. Don't get confused that these are the only things you can talk about…it's just for now, since you're a complete stranger. You can talk about other things when you know him very well and he trusts you. Talk to me when he trust you…oh, I'll that about…100 years…well, Good Luck!

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Hi, everyone! I hope you're enjoying the story. I'm up for any ideas, compliments, criticism, and in general anything, so Read and review. Until next time!


	6. How to compliment a prodigy

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 6- How to compliment a prodigy

If you're a good student, you probably remember that prodigy's depend on their ego. So it's a good idea, if you want to get on their good side to compliment them, but there is a thin line between complimenting them and being a kiss-up. And trust me, you DON'T want to be a kiss-up. Want to see why? Watch…er…well, read in your case. I'll give you a cookie if you can guess who it is.

Example

It's a fine sunny day in Konoha, when…

"NEJI!!!! WE LUV YOU!!!" Guess who's being chased, really if you can't guess this, you're a moron.

"WAIT!!! WE JUST WANT TO MOLEST YOU AND MAKE YOU HAVE OUR BABIES!!!!"

A huge dust cloud approaches… and passes…wait…is that a pair of boxers? Guess whose they are.

Yeah…exactly…disturbing…and note they don't "love" him, they "luv" him…and if your Naruto or related to him by mental capabilities, those were fangirls. If your trying to be his friend, it's virtually impossible to be if you're one of his fangirls…or if you're his fanboy…let's just leave it at that. Note in this case the thin line was crossed a LONG time ago, like…how long your parents have been alive...yup, that long. Plus the fact of "just" wanting to molest someone is VERY creepy!

Anyways, now that we've shown what the other side of the line looks like, I'll show what you how to properly to compliment a prodigy without turning his head into the size of the Forest of Death. In Neji's case, I think his head is already there and beating the Forest of Death…well that's Neji for you. So here's how to properly compliment them.

1) Walk up to him. Yes, I know it seems obvious to most, but some people are so dumb that they didn't know that. So as I was saying, walk close enough to him that you aren't invading his private bubble… which is approximately 3 to 4 feet away from him…

2) Tell him your compliment, say it once and get it over with. It's really annoying to Neji when someone repeats the same compliment so many times coughfangirlscough

3) Now this the most important step…are ready? Ok, listen…read very closely…keep this to memory. Ok, here it is…go away. Yup, you heard me. Go away, if he wants to keep talking, it'll be apparent, but just to be safe for your life, go away.

Now that I've clearly astounded you all into silence, I take my leave. Remember! Never eat yellow snow!

Signing out, Tenten!

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I'd like to thank Titania400 for the idea! Thank you to all you readers and reviewers! Keep up the good Work! A happy reader who reviews makes a happy writer who will get her chapters out faster...get the hint! Anyways, even if you don't review I still love you! Bye!


	7. How to Act around a ColdHearted Prodigy

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 7- How to act around a Cold-hearted bastard prodigy

If you want to befriend a cold-hearted bastard without being one with a humongous stick up their ass, here's what you do…and don't do.

Situation 1- You're a girl

Do-

1) Act like yourself- don't pretend to be better than you are, Neji's way too smart for that. So girls, don't act like a slut or a bitch. I can tell you for one thing that Neji doesn't like sluts or bitches, in fact most guys don't like sluts or bitches…unless their Jiraiya-sensei then that's another story. So the moral of the story is that unless you want Jiraiya to follow you, don't be a slut.

2) Have some interest in fighting and shinobi's- this is pure common sense, for if you have nothing to talk about, which Neji doesn't really "talk" per say, rather "hmms" refer back to Chapter 5, then you're doomed.

3) Treat him like a regular person- This is an important one, with any boy, particularly this one. Neji may be special, in more ways than one, but the thing is to remember is, no matter how gifted or smart he is, he still has flaws and feelings, and is human, which may come as a shock to some, especially to Neji himself. This isn't entirely hard to do, just act like he's a regular person that just happens to be very hot and have those really cool eyes. Great, now you've got me diverting, so let's get to the "Don't list" for girls. Guys wait your turn, go bonk your head on a tree for a while, or in some people's cases eat ramen, or glare at the wall in front of you. Hey! Don't glare at the poor innocent bug in front of you, and no Shino, don't kill the poor guy…oh, I'm doing it again aren't I? Well, what can I say?

Don't-

1) I think I've already established this, but sometimes it doesn't go through. DON'T ACT LIKE A FANGIRL. This includes any of the following; screaming, yelling "NEJI-KUN," forming a club in order to pray to the Neji-loving gods to try to "win" his love, make love potions and try to make him drink it, make voodoo dolls of him, try to get a lock of his hair (he will kill you if you try this), say how hot or cute he is, and this list could go on forever. So I'll spare myself and leave it to you to use you common sense, if you have any.

2) Be a bitch, slut, ho, whore, if you pardon my French, what ever that is, and other versions of the cow's butt or any version related to it.

3) Do anything, that you wouldn't like being done on your self, so if you don't like getting chased around by half-insane girls, then don't do so. If you do, then you're creepy.

Ok boys, it's your turn. You can stop doing what ever you were doing, don't worry your list is quite short in comparison to the girls. So here it is.

Do-

1) be calm and collected

2) be "cool"

3) talk ninja things, but as said before avoid clan, brush up on chapter 5.

Don't-

1) insult him

2) Threaten him, like you could do that weakling. I bet you couldn't even threaten a bug, nice try on the tough guy act…and the glare could use a little, as in the length of Konoha, practice.

3) Do anything that will get you killed, hurt, or maimed. Yes, getting hurt and maimed are two different things. I'm a weapon mistress, I think I know the difference.

Anyways, now you know, so go try it out. NOT ALL AT ONCE! And dude, you look so weird, oh, hi Lee, I didn't realize that was you. Oh, I wasn't the one who called you weird…it was that guy over there. Yeah, it was that guy over there, now go defend yourself.

Ok, so I'm going to leave now, BYE!

I'm REALLY sorry, for the really long wait. It was summer and I had senioritis. It's very contagious. But now, the wait is over! It's been a long 2 months of no writing, but I'm now back, so lets have a party! I'll be dancing over there to spare you, while you send a review, wink wink hint hint. Tata for now!


	8. How to move from an acq to a friend

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 8- How to move from an _acquaintance _to friend 

Ha, had you fooled didn't I!?! You thought that by following my advice that you were already his friend weren't you!?! coughsuckerscough Neji, friends! Already! Excuse me a moment while I laugh insanely in that corner over there.

clears throat Sorry about that, I didn't know it would take 2 days for that to be not funny anymore.snortfriend!snort Ok ok, I'll try to control myself this time so I can get back on topic. So as I was saying, if my advice has worked up until now, you are official an acquaintance. Ok, if this was anyone else, it would be bad, BUT you didn't count on the fact that it's Neji and he's a kind of his own. So in Neji term's, you've moved up from being the dead bug that sticks to the bottom of his shoe to his acquaintance. Isn't that great!?! chirp chirp chirp Hey, do you want my help or not!?! loud applause Thank you! Thank you! It's all pure talent! Anyways, here's how to move from an acquaintance to a semifriend/half alive bug that sits on his forehead!

1) Talk to him a little each day. Doesn't have to be a lot, a simple "hi", "bye", "how are you doing?" will suffice. Good things come is small doses…except for chocolate, and sugar, and packets of weapons. On second thought, a lot of things don't come good in small doses, but in this case it does. Don't bug him about it. Follow the "cool rules," keep it cool and sane. So that means look where you're going, because it's embarrassing to act cool then turn around and hit a door. Exactly.

2) Remember the small things about him…NO not what color boxers he wears- HEY don't try stabbing me with that! Excuse me a moment! sounds of fighting and a loud scream Hi again! That was fun! hehehehEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! clears throat As I was saying, remember what his favorite food s and treat him out to it sometimes, and NOT AS A DATE!!! Do small nice things for him that make him know that you care for him as a FRIEND!!! We haven't reached the girlfriend part yet, so hold your horses! And if you're a guy trying to be his boyfriend…GIVE IT UP!!! Let me save you some time. He doesn't swing that way, not now, not ever. Maybe he might if they were the last gender on earth, but then he'd probably just kill himself…you know, I'm not exactly sure if he has any guy urges…better not ponder about that.

3) Hang more than just in class or where ever you meet him. Hang out on the weekends, train together, EXCEPT when I train with Neji…which is most of the time…ok so mark that one of the list, um…actually there is no number 3.

So the list is very short, but these two things are very hard to do. These two steps along might take you a couple thousand years. It took me about 8 years to do, so don't get down, keep trying. Remember the old saying, what doesn't hurt you, kills you? So, it's a bad example at the moment, just remember patience is a virtue.

Blessing you with Tentenness,

Tenten

Yeah...bye bye!


	9. End of Section 1, befriending

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 9- End of Section 1, befriending

This is all the advice I can give you on befriending Neji, the rest is up to you and what you do with the advice. So I leave you with some of my Tentenness and hope it rubbed off.

The next section is about if you're his family member, already a family member, not hoping to be. Unless you're Naruto, then go ahead and read it, its going to apply to you someday, anyways. So for those of you who aren't his family members, go practice being his friend, since the ones left after this are probably going to want to be his girlfriend. And I'll say again since some people can't get it through their thick skulls, NEJI ISN'T GAY!!! No matter how much he acts like he hate girls, does not mean he like guys. It just means he hates humanity as a whole.

So family members, here's what you've been waiting for! A way to survive being related to the oh so great, and bastardly, NEJI!!!!

Tentenness is bestowed upon you,

Tenten


	10. Introduction for Family members

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 10- Introduction for Family members

This was going to have to come up sooner or later, so I decided now. The main reason Neji is what he is, is because of the curse mark and the main and branch family. I'm not slandering you're family so just put away the Byakugen. If you kill me, there's no point in reading this.

So the first step for you to do, is look past those traditions and look at him as your family member, like one who cares for you and you care for him back? Fine, how about just living with him without fearing that he'll come dark in the night and attack you? Great! Then that's what we'll agree on then!?! So practice doing this and we'll continue tomorrow!

Pandaness Tenten going bye bye now!


	11. For Main Branch

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 11- For Main Branch

This is the hardest for you since Neji hates your living guts except for the exception of a little of Hinata, and that's only because no one can hate Hinata, except for some people, not saying any names. coughHiashicough You need to forget these old horrible traditions, but I'm not here to talk politics, so lets scavenge for any hope left for you.

Here are the only options left for you to survive your life being his relative and being in the Main branch. You have one of two options, follow as I say…or DIE by the hands of NEJI!!!!

Now all of us know the answer to what option you choose. So Listen up. Except for Hinata, Hinata is nice enough…I really don't see reason why she'd be reading this in the first place, but I won't ask. Anyways, back on topic.

1) Be nice to him- if you're going to think of him as branch trash, then at least keep it in your head. This is one of the golden rules treat others as you would want to be treated. So unless you want to have a curse mark put on you're head, don't do it to others!

2) Bow down before him…Fine, I'm joking, but seriously, he's the prodigy of your family, at least respect him. This isn't hard to do, seriously. Respect is the first part of a semisane family relationship.

3) Slowly develop some normalcy between him and you, so this means, say hi occasionally, basically act like two civilized people not hating each others guts. I know at first he'll stare at you like a freak for talking to him, I know this from experience, the first time I talked to him he stared at me like I was a freak with two heads, four arms, a couple of tails, and like I had rabies, but he'll stare at you like you have twenty eyes, 64 arms, horns sticking out of your head, and like you have the worst contagious disease known to mankind. Great isn't it!?!

These are your first steps to having a semisane relationship with Neji, go practice these for a while I talk to the other family members.

You're not special enough to get TenTenness so Lee has offered to give you Leeness, so go wear green and run some laps. Have fun!


	12. For Branch Members

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 12- For Branch Members

Well, lucky for you, your situation is a little bit better. Notice the little part, even though you're on the same boat of shit as Neji is on, doesn't make him hate you any less, so you're going to need a lot of help to. This is going to be a delicate process, the main branch probably has Neji on weirdo alert, if can't tell, so your going to have to be a little more cautious with him.

1) Same thing as the Main branch, make some normalcy between him and you, say hi, yada yada yada, how's the teddy bear going, so on and so forth. I was joking about the Teddy bear part, don't ask him that, if you do then you'll get killed, then I'll get killed. So keep your mouth shut, for if Neji doesn't finish you off, then I'll do so myself. Do I make my self clear!?!

2) Be more like family to him, be concerned about him, show him you care…in the Hyuga way, which I have no clue what it is. Though I'm going to take a wild guess and say it is discrete and quiet. Seriously, your entire family has issues, but don't worry, when Naruto joins your family, it'll get louder, much louder.

3) Know how to read him, learn how he acts, which I can slightly help. Here, let me give you a warning, when he's glaring with an aura of evil and frowning deeply, he's pissed. At this run for your nonimportant lives. If it's the normal frowning and glaring, minus any irritation or aura of evilness, then you're safe. His emotions, if they even show, are very slight, and only a professional like me can tell…fine I'm bragging, but if I wasn't experienced in this kind of thing, I wouldn't be here now, would I ?

Anyways, you get the point. You guys, act like your smart enough, so use those "smart" brains to use.

Going to beat my head against the wall now,

Tenten

I want to thank all the readers and reviews and say without you, I would have no motivation to continue writing. So I'm exagerating, but you get my point. You've been great so far, keep it up!


	13. And so life goes on

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 13- And so life goes on

At this point, if you're following my advice, Neji should be use to your abnormal not traditional Hyuga acts by now. From this point…keep doing so and act like real people, seriously, the way you guys act is REALLY freaky. No wonder everyone there is screwed up in some way. If you want to fix this issue of Neji being freakily creepy bastard, fix the problem from the source, fix the traditions, customs, and rules of the Hyuga clan, for both the main and branch family. Just get rid of if and start anew. This is all I can say, if you do it, isn't my problem. It's your problem when the cycle continues forever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and you get my point so can I stop this now….

I can't tell you any more than this to help you, the rest is up to you.

May the force be with you,

Tenten

(A.N. I know these chapters have been kind of short, but who wants to deal with the Hyugas anyway? And for those of you who are wondering when the Girlfriend/Wife section is coming up, don't worry, it's coming up soon.)


	14. Introduction for potential girlfriend

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 14 - Introduction for potential girlfriend

I know this is the most anticipated section, in the history of all anticipation, but the wait is official over! Here is the section, you've all been waiting for…HOW TO BECOME NEJI'S SIGNIFACANT OTHER!!!! I'm warning you ahead of time, this is the most difficult thing you'll probably ever do. This is even harder than going through child labor…not that I'd know anything about that, and I hope that you haven't gone through that yet. Ignoring that thought, you are all going down the road of pure bravery, trying to be the girlfriend of the word stunted stud muffin Neji. Note those are not my words, they're yours. Of course you thought of it, or else how would I have said it? Exactly, now shut up and listen to the one who controls your fate! OBEY ONE AND ALL!!! PREPARE FOR YOUR DESTINY!!!!


	15. What to prepare for

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 15- What to prepare for…

Ladies, hopefully any guys hoping at this point would have gotten a clue, but if you haven't here's your discrete hint to hit the road before I pull my shiny weapons of doom. Good, they're all gone…they run really fast, for some odd reason. Anyways, I feel like I should warn you again before starting to give a hint on what to expect.

1) Pain, lots and lots of pain, and I'm not just talking about mental and emotion pain, but the "why the heck did you give me that bruise the size of a boulder you insensitive jerk" physical pain.

2) A lot of patience, of course with some one like _him_, your going to need A LOT of patience. Heck, it took him 5 YEARS for him to say that I was his friend without prodding him with a burning weapon…not that I did that(in public). So this is the step that is most crucitial, for if you don't have this, go away. For if you have one act of over eagerness that shows any sign of fangirlness, you'll scare him away. Actually, you'd scare practically anyone away, except for Jiriaya- sensei with obvious reasons.

3) Misery…yes I said Misery, you'll have to go through hell and back, about 1000 times, to get what you want. Better get some tissues ready. I heard they're having a sale, knowing we're at this section. This the true sign of power, the ability to control the economy…next the WORLD!!! Sheesh, why is everyone looking at me like that? Isn't it everyone's dream to take over the world!?! Oh…it isn't? Well then, ignore what I said before and pretend you know absolutely nothing.

4) To be glare at…this one is a duh, I don't know anyone who he doesn't glare at. And a hint of advice, don't squeal and say something along the lines of, "Kawaii" or "OMG, He totally digs me!" For that isn't anywhere close to what it means…seriously, you do not want to know goes on inside his head, its very disturbing. Even more creepy than what's in Itachi's head.

5) To commit your life to this, not that you've hadn't already. These things take time, a very long time. But look what happens, Hinata spent 10 years crushing on Naruto, and she eventually got him. But that was probably due to the fact that Hinata is so nice and all of you are girls who have no life and brains to get a clue and are probably all bitches and or sluts. And no I will not apologize and I'm more than willing to get into a fight with you and I'll totally kick you're butt to Suna where you can turn into buzzard food.

I'm in good mood for some odd reason, so I'm going to train with Neji. Maybe I'll be able to beat him this time…probably not. But hey, a girls got to have a dream.

Bye sluts and or bitches,

TenTen


	16. First is first

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 16- First is first

I must say once again, to even have a chance to even TRY and get him, you have to abandon any fangirl associated actions. These including; screaming at the top your lungs right next to him, talk about him in third person in front of him, hold practices with other girls on how to scream and yell at the same time and at same pitch, kiss the ground he walks about, steal his used bowl and lick it and then claim that he "kissed you," hold any shrines our voodoo dolls in his honor (or shame in my opinion, but when has my opinion matter? Oh yeah, this entire time! Yay me!)

The moment you do one of these or many other actions, Neji automatically places you on his mental list of girls to avoid like the plague and other bad little nasties, that include chocolate….hehe. Oh sorry, private joke, don't ask. Anyways his list is very long, and he tends to remember every name on that list, for a very long time. If you haven't realized by now, Neji can hold a grudge.

Also you need to realize that if you don't get him at the end, it's alright. You couldn't all share him at once, now could you? Well, technically you could, but that would be a harem and that would just be plain disturbing…but yet I could imagine it. Is that bad? shudder Anyways, the point is, your life does revolve around the fact if you get Neji as your significant other or not.

So for now I want you to practice how NOT to act like a fan girl, those of you who are really not, (those who are telling the truth, NOT in denial) may spend the time naming your nonexistent children scaring little children for life.

Now I'll be washing my brain out with soap for that disturbing imagery.


	17. Neji's Perfect Girl

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 17- Neji's perfect girl

Neji likes only certain types of girls, if you don't fit the category, then you can either do the wise thing and find a new guy, or you could change yourself to fit his perfect girl. Personally I would just find another guy besides this guy with a Popsicle up his ass but I'm not you, am I now? Anyways, here you go.

1) Ninja- to be able to keep Neji interested and for him to even look at you, you have to have some interest as a ninja or weapons or something fighting wise. Look at it this way, I'm his friend and he uses me as a human pin cushion. Imagine what he'll use his girlfriend as…creepy. Not only do you have to have an "interest" in it, you have to actually be able to fight, not in the girly fighting with the hair pulling and the name calling, but the real blood and pain kind of fighting. Seriously, a Ninja marrying a nonninja is just plain weird. A Byakagan user Ninja and a nonninja marrying is just not even possible. I don't even think the Head family would even allow that, not even Neji would allow that, unless he was so desperately in love with you that he would cut his long girly hair and stop using the word "Hn" and actually be normal, which I might say will never happen in this century or in the next one either.

2) Smart or at least intelligent- Neji is smart, his girlfriend has to be smart. That's how the world goes round. So this one might be hard to fake, you can't go buy a brain (if that was the case, why hasn't anyone bought Lee one yet, he's nice and all but why can't he get a clue. Naruto should get one too) and you can't pay someone to be smart for you. Good luck on this one.

3) Patient- When Neji has a problem, and yes he does have problems if you couldn't tell already, he takes a LONG time to tell them. He goes through the stages of stubbornness, where he won't say anything but just glare at a tree hoping it'll burn or just beat me up. Then he does denial, where you know he has a problem and you're asking him and he keeps saying you're the one with the problems in his "Hn" dictionary, that's being published next month! I wasn't serious about the "Hn" dictionary. There is no way to put all those meanings in to one book, it would have to be like a foreign language class of 10 years.

4) Common Sense- This is a biggy which most girls don't have. If a guy is looking really irritated, that usually means to go away. So here's the thing to do if you see a guy looking like that…go away. Common Sense, I hear they have a class called Common Sense 101, down the street, go take it. Again, I was joking. Yes, I'm so special that my sense of humor went over your head and took a trip to Suna.

5) Kind- Neji hasn't had enough kindness in his life, that explains why he turned out the way he did. This is up to your own interpretation, kindness comes in many ways.

6) Beautiful- This is also subjective, what is beautiful to you and others may not be what Neji considers beautiful, don't confuse outer beauty with inner. The inner is so much more important. And besides being beautiful on the outside does not make it easier to pass missions.

7) Perfect- As I said this is Neji's perfect girl, I didn't say it was realistic, if you asked Neji about his perfect girl, which I suggest that you don't, he'll probably say something like the sorts. Don't try to be perfect, its impossible, quirks make the world go round. And no quirk in the world can beat my quirk, so don't try copying mine.

Quirkiness signing out!


	18. Getting his attention

The Guide to a Cold-Hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 18- Getting his attention

The very first step in being his potential girlfriend, for if he doesn't know you exist, how could he be your girlfriend/wife? And no, by you imagining it does not make it real and legit. And if you don't know what legit is, then look it up. So as I was saying to those of you with bigger brains, there are right ways to get his attention and there are wrong ways to get his attention. To make it easier, lets go over the wrong ways first, and to make it even better, I'm going to use real examples that I've seen!

Wrong way-

"Hi Neji-kun, wanna sleep with me?"

"No,"

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Well, I am the hottest girl around here, and you're eventually going to have to get laid, to get rid of that stick."

"…"

"You know that stick up your-"

And at this point, someone was in the hospital very fast, and it was funny as hell. Ah, fond memories, fond memories. So basically, this girl had all wrong from the start. Don't do what she did, please, I don't want Sakura after me for laughing at another victim, and please do note that I said another.

So basically let me sum up what not to do;

1) be a slut, back to chapter 16, review it if you must

2) Be human, have a brain, have common sense, if you don't want to be hit on a certain way, don't do it to him. And if you didn't get it, you'll end up injured in the hospital like the other girl for a very long time (and if you want to know, she was in the hospital for quite some time, about 3 months.)

Use your brain. If he looks pissed or angry, it might not be the right time to ask him. Wait until the steam stops coming out of his ears and trees and animals and Kibas stop randomly dying when he walks past them.

3) Don't ask him to sleep with you on the first date, wait until your actually married to him or you're his official girlfriend. It just makes you look desperate. And besides, that's just demoralizing.

4) For the first step, just have a casual conversations, like saying hi, bye, how's your day kind of thing. NO asking out until, buddy buddy like. Unless you want a broken, shattered, stomped, Kaitened heart dust. Note I said heart dust, not remains, he doesn't leave anything behind except dust and even then the dust flutters away in the wind.

So basically, keep it cool for now. Just stay at the friends level, if you're at that point.

Going to avoid Sakura for the next week,

TenTen

--Author's note--

Hey fellow readers! This is rewoPajniN the alter ego for NinjaPower. NinjaPower could talk today because she gets the fun of writing a paper! In case if you want to know, I'm the nice one, she's the semiinsane evil one who wants to take over Naruto and make Neji do the Peanut Butter Jelly Dance in front of millions of fangirls for his torture. While I on the other hand, just want to make Sasuke wear a pink dress and high heels for an entire week. See? I am the nicer one. So the point of this rambling is to remind you all to Review! If you don't NinjaPower will make you do the Peanut Butter Jelly dance in front of Sasuke's and Neji's Fangirls.


	19. How to flirt with him

The Guide to a Cold hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 19- How to flirt with him

This is a very valuable lesson, if you know how to flirt with a cold hearted bastard, then you know how to flirt with anyone. So listen up, maggits!

1) Do weapon jokes. Don't worry I'm just joking. He doesn't have a very big sense of humor; actually he doesn't have one at all! I told him this really funny joke that even got Shino to chuckle. I know! Shino! But when I told Neji, all he did was stare at me and then asked me if I needed to go to the hospital! Idiot! So for those of you pratical jokers, put the jokes away, it won't work. His only sense of humor is watching people he hates get hurt or make a fool of themselves. I mean it, seriously, that's how cold hearted he is! Not that you didn't know how cold hearted he was already.

2) This is probably the hardest part of learning how to flirt, knowing when to hint and when to be blunt. Hinting is good in times where you don't want to look like a desperate fool, but sometimes the guy is so dense that there's no alternative besides being very very blunt. Here's some examples

Note we are going to use people besides Neji, because I don't want to give you every little bit of information, I want you to suffer and learn a little. I'm so nice, aren't I?

Examples:

1. "..Naruto,…wo-would you um.. like to go have some ramen with me?"

"Of course, getting together with friends once in a while is so much fun!"

"…um…Naruto, I meant it like a da-da-da-te-falls down"

"Hinata-chan! Are you alright!?! Ah, hi Neji! Something weird happened, Hinata just passed out…what are you doing? AH!!! DON'T HURT ME!!!!"

Yeah, in this case when the guy you like is a total ditwit like Naruto, its best to be very blunt in what you want, or else he won't get it. And if you want to know the outcome, Naruto was in the hospital for a week, and Hinata cracked and yelled at Neji right in front of Naruto's bed, where she said what she was suppose to say to Naruto, which he happened to over hear, and now they're dating. Yup. Honestly, I'm surprised that Naruto managed to wakeup, most of the time he's like a log and worse than Lee.

2. "MY BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOM! WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE A YOUTHFUL MOMENT TOGETHER!?!"

"umm…." "Baka, she's already going out with me."

"NO! I SHALL NEVER GIVE UP ON WINNING MY CHERRY BLOSSOM'S HEART!!"

"Baka, I just said she's with me." "And who said I was yours?"

At this situation, it's just best to not even bother trying to go through his head, because he's not going to get it either way. And just a hint, don't call someone yours before you're actually dating them coughfangirlscough. This will almost guarantee in irritation and hate, or at least great dislike.

3. "Shika-kun, let's go out and eat!"

"…but I don't want to."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!"

"…that I want ramen."

"That's what I though I heard."

Sigh Ino and Shikamaru, they are very special indeed. Ino was smart, for once, in this case, knowing that Shikamaru wouldn't do anything unless bodily forced. They had a spout one time when Shikamaru was going out with Temari, how I hate Temari, but anyways, I always knew that they wouldn't last, and now Shikamaru and Ino are together…for now. Or are they? Because two weeks ago they were and then they had a spout over which flower was prettier or some silly thing like that. Anyways, know when to be blunt and when to hint.

Let me just say, that in the case of Neji, there will be more hinting than ever blunting. Wow, that came out really wrong, but you get my point.

3) When to back of- there is a point when people get tired of talking to people, and Neji has a people person tolerance of a ant. So in mathematical terms, it is very short. So make it short and sweet and move one. Again unless you want to end up on the "avoid for the rest of my life" list or in the hospital listen to this advice. Did you know that they have a special section for Neji and Sasuke's fangirls? I just learned that a while ago. Really interesting.

4) How to casual run into him- you don't want it to seem like your stalking him, which in reality you are, but lets ignore that fact. Neji is a ninja, ninja's can sense when someone is following them, learn how to make him not tell that you are following him. And if you master that, join the ninja academy, and become a spy, for man, that's nearly impossible to do. Neji can tell most of the time if someone is following him and will just ignore it, so good luck on that, so when you master the first part, then make it look casual when you meet him, and please learn how to be discrete.

Going to practice my ninja moves and to laugh at some unfortunate victims,

Tenten


	20. How to ask him out

The Guide to a Cold hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 20- How to ask him out

Just in case, you didn't know, you won't be using this chapter for a very long time. For one, normally Neji doesn't accept dates and doesn't ask other out on dates, unless he's being;

1) blackmailed

2) forced against his will, usually by Hinata's father

3) dared

4) threatened by my sharp weapons or Sakura's super human strength

5) or if he really really really really really really really…this is taking too long, really to the millionth power likes someone. He has to be blushing turning red, clumsy, can't remember his name, nose bleed like. And I'm going to take a wild guess and say that's not happening right now to you.

So until the time you need it, I'll tell you anyways, it's like you're going to listen to me. So, here's how you do it.

1) Make it casual, to a restaurant, movie, picnic, so on and so forth. Nothing fancy, which happens to be the opposite of casual, just for those of you who need clarifying.

2) Ask him when he's alone- it's less painful when he rejects you when you're surrounded by people. Seriously. Don't believe me? Fine then, ask him at the center of Konoha for all I care.

3) Be serious- don't giggle every other word, it's just plain annoying.

4) Be reasonable- don't expect him to say yes the first time you try. It'll probably take you 20 years, him being drunk, and every other girl on the planet dead. Not to pop your bubble or anything.

Now that I've destroyed and crushed the hearts of millions of girls…Good Luck!


	21. How to make the relationship serious

The Guide to a Cold hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 21- How to make the relationship serious

Let's take a nice trip to an alternate reality, the one where you actually got him to go out with you and that you're still alive to tell about it. Though that reality can't happen in this reality, in no way shape or form, let's just play pretend, that's what most of you do anyways. So as I as saying, alternate reality, so you went out on one date with him and you believe that you and he are the perfect couple of the century and you totally want to go get hitched in Suna…not going to happen, not even in the alternate reality or in the alternate reality to the alternate reality. You kind of have to go from one date to two date then three date then Boyfriend to long term boyfriend to fiancé to long term fiancé to husband. It takes many steps, and no, one day is _not_ considered long term, sorry. For it to be considered long term, it has to last longer than the food that's in your stomach, that is if you have any at all. I know its _such_ an antagonizing wait, isn't it? Well to bad, I don't care! You're the one who wanted to risk heart and soul for this, if you wanted the easy way, you should have gone to talk to Orochimaru, now shouldn't you? You got involved with this and now you're stuck with me. I personally don't think you want to get stuck with Orochimaru, I mean he's a freakin pedophile who happens to love molesting little boys, you can't get any freakier than that. Compared to Orochimaru, you, fangirls and assortment of Neji-lovers out there, are like angels.

Anyways, back to the alternate reality, you want to be real "Boyfriend Girlfriends" now you got past the very difficult first date. This is harder than the first date. Now he actually knows what you act like now, so don't try pretending to be little angels, we all know you're the devil in disguise, except with tons of makeup on and girly body organs on you…unless they're not real…hmm, I wonder. I'm on to you now…but I'll let it slide…for now.

Keep his interest in a good way, this means not to flash your fake assets in front of him. It won't do any good anyways, it's not like he reacts much anyways. All he does is give you the look that makes you want to cringe and kill yourself. Unless you're impervious to it, which I am, thank you, thank you.

Totally kill the urge to beg and plead. That totally degrades whatever image you had previously, even if it's really bad. You have to act like you can totally live without him, even if you can't, pretend.

Know the right timing. It's not a good idea _ever_ to ask him on a date right in front of his family and Hiashi. You'll end up getting ridiculed not just by Neji but by his entire family, minus Hinata, but you never know, sometimes she has an evil streak. Also, it's not good to ask him in front of his ninja pals either or his teammates coughleeandgaicough. The end result will be bad. _Never_ ask him in front of Lee and Gai, PLEASE, you'll cause the farmers to get made again. The last time some one did, it was sun rise at 2 am, yes someone was dumb enough to ask at that time, and lasted for 4 hours. The early risers were mad and the farmers were made because they had to work an extra 5 hours.

I can't say much else, besides using your common sense, for Neji is like a cuddly porcupine with a stick up his…area. He's never entirely soft and still is an annoying prick at times and totally knows how to kill a moment. You can probably come up with some better and ickier analogies, and I really don't care. But get this point, you can break or make a permanent relationship at this point. So it's up to your actions.

Going to get some sleep in case some idiot tries to ask him out at 2 am in front of Lee and Gai again,

Tenten


	22. How to Make Him Propose

The Guide to a Cold hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 22- How to make him propose

Now let's continue our trip in the land of the alternate reality. We'll pretend that you're totally serious with him and you want him to propose to you. snort I'm sorry, I promised myself that I wouldn't laugh when I wrote this, but it is _very_ hard to do. deep breath Ok, I'm fine. Anyways, you want to time this properly. Too early would be dastardly and too late would mean that it just plain sucks. So here's the guide line for what has to be there before Imaginary Neji to propose to your imaginary relationship

1) Timing- has to be more than 5 months, a must, for any shorter is just to early and he and the elders won't even consider it. You know its too long when he has a white hair or is on Viagra. Not that he'll ever need Viagra, but you get what I'm trying to say.

2) A connection- no seriously, you have to be able to spend more than 10 minutes with them to actually consider getting married to the person and I mean _Neji_ has to be willing to spend more than 10 minutes with _you_. I know that all of you could stand a lifetime and a half with him and still not get tired of him. By then you'd probably know how many pieces of hair are on his head and how many times he washes his hair in a day, let me tell you, its just _one_ to many times.

3) To be on the good side of his teammates and friends- Because if I hate you, then so does he. Get the math?

Now lets pretend that you cover all of these guidelines, I said PRETEND, thank you, and we'll continue down the road of the alternate reality. Here how you'll tell him that you want to tie the knot, attach the handcuffs, hang the rope, connect the souls, burn the hoochie outfit…well you get the hint.

1) Hint- If you still don't know how, look back at chapter 19 with the whole flirting thing. Just this time change it from flirting to hinting and bada bing bada boom.

2) Mention it many times- the more you say it the more it'll soak into his head. Well that's the goal any who. It'll probably bounce off of his oh so nicely condition hair and fall on the ground. I told him his conditioner was too strong, but does he listen to me? No, he continues to buy his frutti-tutti hair conditioner…er…I don't think I as suppose to tell you that. Man, now he's going to kill me! Just pretend I didn't tell you that.

3) If all else fails, propose yourself- But I must warn, this is the method that will most likely fail. He'll probably just reject you and break you heart into millions of tiny pieces and glare at them until they combust into tiny little ashes and then feed it to Lee and Gai to see who is most "Youthful" at eating broken hearts. And Lee and Gai would probably do it, they've eaten black curry and they'd probably eat a frog if its mention it has youth in it.

As I part back to the real reality and you stay for a long trip here in the alternate reality, I'm going to mention that our little trip is about to end and I must part soon and continue on to my life of reality and not dating bastards with sticks up their…well you know. Next chapter will be my last and we can have a nice little party and look back on the fond memories…well, I'll be laughing and you'll be crying. Anyways, toodles!

Officially starting my own country of altrareality consisting of people like you,

Tenten

---author note---

I can't believe its coming to an end...fond memories, fond memories. Anyways Read and Review or Tenten will be sad and no one wants Tenten sad. She'll start throwing weapons at people. Bye!


	23. And all things must come to an end

The Guide to a Cold hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga

Chapter 23- And all things must come to an end 

This has been a very wonderful experience, laughing at your misery, enjoying my fame…now I have to face the ultimate wrath of Neji. Can you believe that he found out about this!?! Now he's making me pay by making me convince Sakura to do the same thing to Sasuke to make him torture as well! This is going to be fun to do…Anyways. Good Luck at your goals. Hopeful those who wanted to be his friend managed to do that. Those trying to be a cold hearted bastard hopefully have succeed by this point…probably not, but I'll remain optimistic and I promise not to laugh at you when I meet you on the street. Remember, "Hn.." not "Hun.." very different meanings. One says that you're a poser bastard and the other just says you're plain dumb! Either one is bad, so take your pick!

Family members, remember what ol' Tennie said. Do that and you'll live for a couple more years before croaking due to the silence in those creepy halls choking you and hanging you or those endless hallways finally decide to eat you! OR those hidden dust bunnies band together to up rise against the evil Hyuga Family! And now I'll stop!

And finally, potential Girlfriends/wifes, you have the hardest amount of luck. For guess what, I heard a rumor! And it's a bad rumor for you, I heard that Neji is interested in someone, but when I ask, he wouldn't tell me…I wonder why. This calls for Sherlock Tenten. I just need to find someone to fill the position of Watson…or I'll just blackmail him again to find out. It's just easier that way. The last time I tried that Naruto ended up in the hospital…again. I had to bribe him with ramen to be my Watson, and then he ruined it by opening his big mouth, like normal.

So good luck to you all, and may you all live pain-free Neji-filled lives, or that's the goal anyways.

Saying goodbye for the last time,

Tenten

--Author note---

I can't believe it's over! Well this has been fun, making fun of bastards...fun. But for those who need their dose of Bastard loving/hating, don't despair! I have a feeling that Tenten will somehow convince Sakura to do it...I'll make sure of it. Saying goodbye one last time, NinjaPower out!


End file.
